2009-06-20
The State of Play
I miss you.
And I truly believe that you miss me too.
I am at a loss trying to figure out what has happened. Why the last communication with you was a text saying, “I’ll call to figure out our plans”. Why the collective us is so distant.
I miss you daily. I have tried to stop it, but I can't. You know my feelings for you and you challenged me never to doubt your feelings for me, so I have tried not to, I have been trying so hard.
There are moments of our conversations that keep popping into my head:
Y Your grandmother waiting for your grandfather – and her patience and faithfulness. Is that what you are asking of me?
Y How this was going to be a long and rough year, but at the end there would be us and that would be worth it all. I know that it would be, oh it would be – but by long and rough did you mean that we would be so absent from one another’s lives?
Y When I was open about wanting to be pursued, yet knowing that part of me is the “go getter”, you told me how much you loved that part of me, that you don’t want me to stop, and that’s why you came back. Should I keep pursuing?
Y Just before your father’s memorial service, after a women’s Bible study, I sat in the car and talked to you while the ladies went in for lunch. We talked about this new scary year ahead and how I was willing to play second fiddle, because this time it was my choice, and I wasn’t just being placed there. You assured me that I would never be second fiddle, but that school would often take priority – I understood and was okay with that and even at that point continued to get excited about your new venture! Now I want to know if I’m playing second fiddle or am I even in the band?
Y In that same conversation we were very serious talking about your dad and “us” in November. I told you that I was a little worried because last time you had done something involving your dad’s passing you bowed out of "us ". Your comfort to me was amazing, you told me, “don’t worry, silly girl, I’m never leaving again”. Have you left, or are you waiting in the wings (no pun intended)?
Y In all of the frustration and excitement of your schooling beginning you told me that you wanted to become the best and safest pilot ever because one day when you fly to Atlanta to see me, you want to know that the man flying the aircraft I am in, is going to protect me with every fiber of his being. Will I ever fly with that man?
I can pick out a myriad of moments that keep me looking straight at you – even if it’s just in my mind’s eye or my heart’s memories.
Above all else, I want to know what is going on, not just with us, but in school, in family, in life. You are a part of my life, and I a part of yours, and in those parts I have been so happy. But if I need to walk away and let go, I need to know why. I need a reason. If that reason is a one lined e-mail that says – “You are wrong for me”, “You’re not pretty enough”, “I’m afraid of committing to you and you terrify me”, “You stress me out” or “You kiss like a monkey” – I will take it, and accept it. And if that e-mail says “I miss you and I need time, please wait” – I will. All I want right now is some reasoning. You are more of a man than to leave me sitting on the front stoop wondering and waiting. I have made up good scenarios to terrible ones and my heart aches to know you again – to know that you are safe and still my Patrick, or just. . .Patrick. I feel like I have a right to know what is going on.
Will you please share with me?
There are things happening in my life too, that I miss sharing with you. I just want my friend back because you do things to my insides that frankly, I think are outlawed in some places. I want to laugh with you again and remember making out in a cemetery. . .what?? I’m just sayin’.
Maybe, if you want, we can just start from here and not focus on the past – but move forward.
What do you think?
Always,
~catie