2001-08-13
My Mother's Madness
I know that I add entries way too often -- but I don't care -- it's an outlet, an outlet that I need.
My mother is going mad. Literally she is going mad. I try to call her at least twice if not four or five times a week, just to check in and let her know I'm living and the such. Well last night I called her and carried a one sided conversation for nearly an hour, when I was sick of talking, and she still seemed as if she wasn't going to join in the coversation, I told her I needed to go, that I had to get to bed.
This morning as I got out of the subway, my phone rang, letting me know that I had a new voicemail, so of course being the cosmo girl that I am (and dying to uphold that reputation) I rang my VM to see who had called. It was my mom, she called to let me know that she loved me and was worried about me, near the end of the message she lost it, right in the middle of her explaination that I don't know how much she loves me. I LOVE MY MOTHER -- I really do, but sometimes things like this can just weigh on you, you know??
So, being the good daughter that I am, and really loving my mom, I call her back immediately. . .she completely looses any sanity that she ever once had. She begins crying so hard that she can hardly breath, and I can't understand her. She went on about how maybe I am living my life right, but those around me aren't, and that will wear on me. About how I don't care that I have homosexual friends, and that I think it's okay (which I don't, I just don't have room to judge), when it's an abomination to God (I believe that whole heartedly), about how I'm looking to move and I'm going to move into a place with a guy and no matter what we do or don't do, it will be an appearance of evil, and how will she explain her daughter living w/ a boy in NYC to the church? She went on and on and on and on and on. . .finally I stopped her and I told her that she needs to stop!! It was rediculous going crazy over this. I'm not sure what brought on the sudden avalanch of worry, but whatever happened she needs to leave it where she found it! With all of her already bad heart conditions I'm afraid she is going to give herself a heart attack, if not, at least an ulcer!! I'm actually worried about it!!
Last night she asked me if I would ever concider moving back to Ohio. I told her I would if: 1) I had a stable job that paid well and I enjoyed (with the Indians, Cavs or Browns) and 2) If I didn't have to live with her. For her sake, I think I'm going to send my resume to these 3 teams.
I called my dad to kind of vent, and he just talked about her, told me how worried she was, worried sick infact. He took her to breakfast and all she did was talk about how worried she was about me. He advised me to call and tell her that I'm glad she's worried about me, and that she knows I would never do anything to hurt anyone, especially her. And that she knows that I go to her with everything (nearly everything) because I love her and trust her. And so on and so forth -- my problem is, I'm a woman, I'm a big girl - as my dad told me. She needs to let go a little bit. She never did this when I went to college, but all of a sudden they thing I'm in this Hell hole of NYC -- Let me tell you this city is completely a different place than it was 6 yrs ago. It is no longer a little Amsterdam, but rather a large corporage fast paced world! Speaking of which she didn't freak like this when I lived in Amsterdam either!! She's going mad, I tell you, mad!!
All this to say, I'm worried about my mother, but her worrying is driving me crazy!